This past Sunday, we attended an engagement
party for our granddaughter and her chosen young man; he will be in kollel and
she will continue as a math teacher in the NY City public schools. As I
enjoyed the happiness swirling around me, my mind took me back to my
grandfather, who almost 80 years ago, fled Germany for the safely of the
USA. His worry in leaving his homeland was based on his fears that in
this new "trafe" land, would his grandchildren be Jewish. I hope he
saw my smile and hear me say, "yes they are - not only your grandchildren,
but your great grandchildren, and your great great grandchildren, and im
yirtzah Hashem, your great, great, great grandchildren."
Sometimes I hear parents of multiple young
children or of those who are going through a rough stage wishing the age
away….wanting their kids to be grown up (or at least not be little anymore)!!
My retort is always the same “don’t wish away these years.” And it’s not
because of anything negative – the future stages have their own issues…but each
step along the way should be treasured and valued for what it does contain, for
the memories that are being made, and for the life experiences they contain.
When my husband was in Vietnam (for the
longest 10 months of my life), we had 3 children 5 and under; I so vividly
remember just wondering if I would ever be done parenting!! The answer of
course is “no.” You’re never done. Different stages require different
energies and skills and each brings its own pleasures.
As your children grow and undergo the various
lifecycle events – from getting their first siddur to their high school
diploma, from their drivers license to their ketubah, you worry. You
worry about the “what ifs,” you second guess yourself, you question their
choices, you wonder what else you could have done... Sometimes you worry so
much, you don’t have time – or room – to enjoy your children. And then
they are on their own; And yes, sometimes they make not such great choices and
you wish you could push “redo.” But they learn and more often than not,
they turn out very well and reflect the values that you had hoped to
inculcate. You get the chance to see that all that time and effort and
energy that you devoted was worth it…but how did it happen so fast? Where did
the years go?
Fast forward a few years and the dividends
are born – but this time around, you don’t worry quite so much and you have the
luxury of being able to simply enjoy, to kvell over the grandchildren's smiles
and chuckle over the independence and recognize traits of those who have
gone before – and who grew up just fine. You have the chance to marvel at
the miracle of life and growth because you are not burdened by sleepless nights
(and require less sleep!) and the worry about when they’ll reach their next
milestone because you KNOW that it will happen, that with Hashem’s help, all
will turn out well.
But even more amazing, the grandchildren
themselves grow and thrive and mature and all of a sudden, they’re real people,
facing the world and you see the absolute beauty in all of this. I have
been so blessed to have had the privilege of those sleepless nights, of walking
the feverish child, of stressing over a child slow to pick up the academics; I
have agonized over teens whose independence wanted them to go a different way
and waited cautiously while life’s partners were being chosen. And now, that
they made good choices, we see even more branches as the next generation
tenuously takes its steps.
My message is to relax, to enjoy each year of
growth and what it brings, to take pleasure in your child. Davening
certainly helps as does believing that it will turn out right, that you are
doing your best, that you are partners with G-D in raising this child and that
with His help; s/he will become someone of whom you can be very proud (and even
a friend). Shabbat Shalom.
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